Camouflage 

So many masks

So many faces

A giggle

A smile 

A laugh

To cover all traces

So much pain

So much fear

A giggle

A smile

A laugh

To disguise all tears

Advertisements

Ashamed

A day like every past

Except it was the last

Of Innocence and Childhood

And smiles free from deception

 

Unashamed and free from guilt

Smart Black Watch tartan kilt

Black Shoe and Stiffened blazer

Young, confident, intellectual

 

Crammed aboard red W8

Unaware of impending fate

His hand brushed upon thigh

Resting boldly with intention

 

Trapped, enclosed, barely thirteen

Surrounded yet unseen

No scream or fight, just frozen

In voiceless isolation

 

No words spoke or looks exchanged

Quietly clothes rearranged

Awash with pain and guilty shame

Of to school,  lost, heartbroken

 

No confession twenty years

Dirty, weak, many fears

Pretending and distracting

Till catalyst  forgotten

 

A day like every past

Except it was the last

Of Innocence and Childhood

And smiles free from deception

It’s Time

I self referred for some support a couple of months back.  My moderate/severe depression and moderate anxiety diagnosis were expected.  Time for some CBT. I’ve been here before, I do find it helpful and I want to avoid meds (I disliked my experience of them previously not that I don’t think they are helpful and a life line to some).

What I was not prepared for was the PTSD diagnosis. Its borderline but enough that the support they have offered me is half focused on this. I found my reaction to this difficult.  Negative. Unfounded.  Why?

b9e38b620aac7b732f5e04eebc953104

Next week we start to delve here … I’m petrified. I feel physically Ill.  It’s going to hurt – it already is and I havn’t started yet.  Maybe it’s not such an out there diagnosis after all.

I have to face it. I can’t run. I’ve done that for more than half my life. Its time.

The stigma surrounding mental health needs to be broken down – the first place is with ourselves.

Share the good times with your support through the bad

This post is incredibly self-indulgent. As I’ve got older I’ve come to accept that on occasion we need to self indulge a little and that’s OK. Now and then it’s OK to ignore those thoughts in your head that assume – well – that it’s all in your head. This is my safe place to express how I feel. That’s powerful when usually your biggest critic and the person whom dismisses your feelings and hurt as ridiculous most is you. One of the things that causes me the most hurt and pain and always has since forever is feeling isolated and alone and only being relevant when someone else needs me. So this post is about not only recognising and remembering that person that’s there through the bad times but embracing them in the good too.

fb_img_1473573201866.jpg

I’ve always looked for the good in people. Even if your someone who can annoy the hell out of me, it’s not long before I find a reason behind that – whether it’s my own insecurities or realising were the behaviour I find irritating comes from and I start to see the thoughts and fears behind the actions. Possibly my greatest weakness (or indeed strength) is to be acutely aware of being used or manipulated but simultaneously understanding the real need for my  support and that you’re not setting out to use me. You need me and that’s OK.

Yet it’s tiring, being that person. The one who is needed so deeply when your world is falling apart but is so easily brushed aside when life’s good. I’ll still be there when life sucks again but know that it hurts and it cuts deep. Know that I might be a good listener and I might be quiet and subdued and find sharing my own feelings and opinions difficult and that my shyness can be debilitating but I do actually like to have fun and talk about things that aren’t so painful and I find joy in seeing you flourish.

The things that interest you and you get excited about excite me too because they make you happy. I like to know about the parts of your world that I am not involved in because they are important to  you. I rarely feel the same interest back. Ignore me once. Laugh at something I’ve taken a great deal of time to build up to sharing. Dismiss the hurt and pain I feel because the cause wouldn’t have the same effect on you and it will take a very very long time for me to share again.

I’ve had friendships were I’ve caused upset through not sharing.  Don’t I trust you?  Don’t you want to be vulnerable around me? Why does it matter. If your goal is to support me when I need it why does it matter when.  Please don’t see my reluctance to express the real shit as a slight to you – it’s not,  it’s just really really hard. Forgive me but it’s not actually about you. If I do share with you … even something seemingly small and insignificant then you mean something to me and I’ve chosen to trust you and expose my vulnerability. That small seemingly insignificant information isn’t small to me.

I don’t share – hardly ever. On those rare occasions I do, every single time I do you bet it’s important to me. Please respect it as such.  Don’t dismiss it. Don’t reason it away. Don’t underplay it. Don’t tell me how you have experienced similar … not till I’ve had my chance to share anyway. Don’t explain the other side.

Do listen.  Do respect my view. Do acknowledge it’s importance to me.  Do ask me more. Do ask me about it again another time … because you can bet I didn’t say it all the first time.

Please remember that whoever it is you go to – that person you share with, that is there when you call. They need you too and the times you need them most might be the very time they are silently falling apart but they’ll still be there if they can. Sometimes they need you most when you’re no longer in need because it’s the time they feel allowed to focus upon themselves and the time they feel you can handle some of their pain and sometimes they just still need you to be there even when things are swell.