Said goodbye this afternoon to the place that’s been my home for just over the last fortnight. I’m Pleased to be back were I belong but was also suprised by how sad I also was to say goodbye. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt a community spirit like it … we fell apart together and picked ourselves back up together and then did it all over again. I met people whose path I would never have otherwise crossed – all ages, all walks of life, all suffering in their own ways and all uniquely special. The openness and rawness of conversation was something I hope I can take with me for the rest of my life because it was so real and uncensored. I can’t thank some of the care team enough but most of all I’d like to thank all of the other lost souls who were the ones who really saw me through. I hope you all find the light in your darkness and thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤
This post is incredibly self-indulgent. As I’ve got older I’ve come to accept that on occasion we need to self indulge a little and that’s OK. Now and then it’s OK to ignore those thoughts in your head that assume – well – that it’s all in your head. This is my safe place to express how I feel. That’s powerful when usually your biggest critic and the person whom dismisses your feelings and hurt as ridiculous most is you. One of the things that causes me the most hurt and pain and always has since forever is feeling isolated and alone and only being relevant when someone else needs me. So this post is about not only recognising and remembering that person that’s there through the bad times but embracing them in the good too.
I’ve always looked for the good in people. Even if your someone who can annoy the hell out of me, it’s not long before I find a reason behind that – whether it’s my own insecurities or realising were the behaviour I find irritating comes from and I start to see the thoughts and fears behind the actions. Possibly my greatest weakness (or indeed strength) is to be acutely aware of being used or manipulated but simultaneously understanding the real need for my support and that you’re not setting out to use me. You need me and that’s OK.
Yet it’s tiring, being that person. The one who is needed so deeply when your world is falling apart but is so easily brushed aside when life’s good. I’ll still be there when life sucks again but know that it hurts and it cuts deep. Know that I might be a good listener and I might be quiet and subdued and find sharing my own feelings and opinions difficult and that my shyness can be debilitating but I do actually like to have fun and talk about things that aren’t so painful and I find joy in seeing you flourish.
The things that interest you and you get excited about excite me too because they make you happy. I like to know about the parts of your world that I am not involved in because they are important to you. I rarely feel the same interest back. Ignore me once. Laugh at something I’ve taken a great deal of time to build up to sharing. Dismiss the hurt and pain I feel because the cause wouldn’t have the same effect on you and it will take a very very long time for me to share again.
I’ve had friendships were I’ve caused upset through not sharing. Don’t I trust you? Don’t you want to be vulnerable around me? Why does it matter. If your goal is to support me when I need it why does it matter when. Please don’t see my reluctance to express the real shit as a slight to you – it’s not, it’s just really really hard. Forgive me but it’s not actually about you. If I do share with you … even something seemingly small and insignificant then you mean something to me and I’ve chosen to trust you and expose my vulnerability. That small seemingly insignificant information isn’t small to me.
I don’t share – hardly ever. On those rare occasions I do, every single time I do you bet it’s important to me. Please respect it as such. Don’t dismiss it. Don’t reason it away. Don’t underplay it. Don’t tell me how you have experienced similar … not till I’ve had my chance to share anyway. Don’t explain the other side.
Do listen. Do respect my view. Do acknowledge it’s importance to me. Do ask me more. Do ask me about it again another time … because you can bet I didn’t say it all the first time.
Please remember that whoever it is you go to – that person you share with, that is there when you call. They need you too and the times you need them most might be the very time they are silently falling apart but they’ll still be there if they can. Sometimes they need you most when you’re no longer in need because it’s the time they feel allowed to focus upon themselves and the time they feel you can handle some of their pain and sometimes they just still need you to be there even when things are swell.